Hanging around in the cloud…

Outside the Society. Inside my Skin.

I quit the game last night.  Done.  Finito.

Insanity is performing an action over and over and not getting the desired result.  The game was rigged, and I was insane.  So I quit.

I could tell I wasn’t a winner in Kindergarten.  But I naively thought this would change, that I could be in a clique of little girls having fun if I just said or did the right things.  I never figured out those “right” things, and my life has been lived under the misconceptions of a clueless kid who thought she would grow up to be somebody, somebody who would eventually win the game.

But I remain a nobody.

The theme song of my life so far was sung to me by those four little girls that I so wanted to play with:

“Tick tock the game is locked, and nobody else can play.
And if they do, we’ll take their shoe,
And beat them till they’re black and blue.”

I was a dumb little kid.  Someone should have slapped me and said: “Hey little kid, you’re not going to get in.  You are going to spend your life like a sperm trying to bust into an ovum, but not get in, until you die and stink like week old fish.”

Only one sperm gets in; the other millions are stinky losers.  And they are getting pumped out in enormous spurts, with only an occasional winner, like the Powerball game.  They don’t give you free tickets to play, so why play?

This means yesterday was the last day I gave a shit what anyone else says, does, or thinks, since they are all wrapped up in the game.  All my life I have talked too much, been too eager to please, paid too much attention to others, and tried too hard to make people like me.   I have spent my life trying break through an unbreakable barrier.

I’m done with that now.  I surrender completely to being a loser.  I’m outing myself, although I think it has been written on my forehead all along.

I am a loser.  I will never pass “Go”.  I will never collect $200.

There are a scant few people in this world I care about.  If I died, these people would be at my funeral.  My dogs would miss me, and possibly the cats too.

The rest of you can blow it right out your ass.

I can say this because I have admitted losing the game and have left the table, or the field, or whatever it is.

So I’m back to the question of why I’m here.  These soul searching questions suddenly have clear answers.

Why am I here?

Because my mom and dad wanted another kid, along with everyone else in the 50s.  Clearly, this was not my idea.

There’s no other reason or purpose for any of us.  Some people are born golden, but most people are just like me, average, boring losers.   The world is full of losers and I am lost in a sea of faceless losers all stomping on each other in a race to the bottom.

Even the government wants to cut us all loose.  America loves a winner, but is never nice to losers.

So why in the hell did it take me 53 years to figure this out?

It’s so simple.

It’s Nature.  Nature is all about competition, survival of the fittest, going for it.   But we can adapt.  Nature is aloof to whether we play the game or not.  We are on our own as individuals, and as a species to do as we please.

Because of my natural instincts as a high order primate, I tried to compete.  I tried to make alliances.  I tried to keep up with the smart, attractive, talented, popular people and fell miserably short.

I was a real dumbshit.

Why didn’t I quit the game in Kindergarten?

The game was a colossal waste of energy.  Without the game, I have no purpose or function at all, other than to seek food and shelter and to love those certain people and and my pets–who adore me.

This will have to suffice.

All of the “whats”, the art, music, writing, and job skills–my efforts to perfect my game (and perhaps just achieve mediocrity in them) don’t count at all.  53 years to figure this out!  What a chump I am!

I clearly see why people become hermits and disappear, or shoot themselves like Kurt Cobain.   Maybe guys like him self destruct because that small circle of people that supposedly love them really don’t.  I don’t know about Kurt Cobain, I only know about me, for the very first time in my life.

There is no grand scheme of things, no divine order, no past, no future.

There is only now.

Everything is just a random bunch of shit ruled by the law of the jungle.

I can adapt.

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